Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.

I bring this up today cause I have PTSD. While I have not been officially diagnosed with PTSD, having been through an experience that was traumatizing and understand the symptoms I have confidence with this self diagnoses. The story goes like this...

In high school I quickly found a group of guys to connect with. We all were a tight fit and enjoyed the same activities. Remembering this is high school, we were children and easily influenced by our surroundings, media and felt the need to impress upon others that we were "bad" that we were tough. We formed our little crew early on freshman year and pretty much stayed close for several years.

As I said we were young and often times didn't like to play by the rules. We drank and partied like we were adults. Did some not so nice things that could have landed some jail time...which we wont get into this round. At any rate, one night we all decided it would be a good idea to get some alcohol, head over to one of the guy's house because his parents were out of town.

As we settled in to a night of drinking 40's of malt liquor/Mad Dog 2020, with tough guy behavior and our favorite gangsta rap music bumping away the speakers there was no worries or thoughts of any consequences to our actions. As the night progressed, I found myself separated from the main group with a companion in an upstairs bedroom. After awhile there, an interruption occurred when a member of our little crew (my closest friend out of the group) decided to come into the room. He was extremely intoxicated and felt it a good idea to rummage around our friends room to see if there was something he might acquire for himself. Being interrupted, a little frustrated I attempted to politely voice my option on his actions. With the alcohol running through his veins, he did not hear a word I was saying. At this time, he moved from looking through a closet to drawers in the nightstand beside the bed. There, he found a Swiss Army Pocket knife that appeared to be shinny and new must have felt that he had found a jackpot and was satisfied with his treasure hunt. As he was walking out the door, he turned a stopped just before exiting and looked at me. As if understanding that I was not alone, he asked if I could step out into the hall and talk to him for a second.

Before I continue, I would like to paint a quick picture of the friendship between this individual and myself. As I've explained above our group was really tight. We spent quite a bit of time together over the years and had a bond that can not be put into words. With this in mind, there were times with our crew did not assemble and when that was the case my closest friend and I would still find things to do together. We had many classes together and often shared things about each others life that we didn't share with anyone else.

By him asking me to speak with him privately was nothing unusual. With several several attempts to delay this conversation, I found that giving in and offering my time was the best thing to do at this moment. As we stepped out into the hall, I felt an almost annoyed feeling. A feeling that he was not respecting where my mind set was at that moment. We began talking about random things, situations and circumstance that had involved our group at the time. While trying to keep up with this conversation, I was aware that it was turning from a simple 'hey we're friends talk' to a conversation regarding my loyalties to the group. Without getting into too much detail, our little crew had had conflicts with another group on the other side of town. (boys will be boys) So at this point having the awareness that I was now being challenged to see whether or not I would participate in any sort of altercation with this other group. My defenses naturally started to go up. Being that I was the more grounded of the group...the one that challenged a lot of the wrongs things we did. Understanding this...it wasn't a surprise that the unknowing of my ethical position on the topic was being addressed.

As the conversation became more and more serious, I noticed the pocket knife he had found earlier was open with a blade out and was in his right hand. I also, became aware of a set of stairs that were leading down to a lower floor directly behind him. My being was beginning to feel an emotion that I was not used to feeling. Fight or Flight. This response was triggered and to this day, there are only bits and pieces that I can remember. I remember him pushing me, hitting him multiple times in the face, him falling backwards down the stairs, then running into the room I had left to find something to use as a weapon. Hearing that he had picked himself up and started running up to the room, I suddenly realized that something was wrong. I was bleeding. Where was I bleeding? My t-shirt beginning to show more and more blood; him bursting into the room with a look of rage on his face...I'm now backed into a corner.

Our little ruckus had been heard throughout the house and others started to explore to see what was going on. With rage and some tasteful language coming out of his mouth, he was tackled by someone which gave be chance to leave the room. Not knowing where the blood was coming from my flight response started to kick in.

Quickly, three of us left the house in route to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, the adrenaline began to wear off...a sadness rolled over me. My mother was now going to get a call from the hospital stating that her son had just been stabbed. This broke my heart. Still not knowing where the cuts where we made it to the hospital. Three wounds, five stitches in a cut on my right arm which was extremely close to an artery and four stitches in each of the two cuts on my left arm.

As a result of this situation, I realized pretty quick that something needed to change within my life or else I was going to go down a path that would lead to some more very unpleasant things. It was almost a re-birth of my consciousness if you will.

I find myself often reliving that night in my mind. Looking at how it was effected my life some time later. Now that I've committed to teaching Yoga, finding a calling as a healer has opened my heart is so many ways. Living with PTSD is not easy, but with acceptance of who I am now at this moment makes the healing all the more easier. The connection with my divine and with love I hold in my heart, has given me the ability to pave a way for a healthier and positive future.

With love and forgiveness in my heart constantly I find my commitment as a healer makes everyday a blessing and an honor to be alive.

Namaste'

For Information on PTSD from the National Institute of Mental Health see the following link:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

Truthfulness...

Thought process of the day has been about Truthfulness. Within Yoga there are ethical disciplines of life called Yama; the Yama I speak of today is Satya which is defend as truthfulness. To speak that which is true.

It was said to me at the beginning of my "professional" career by a mentor, that in order for one to be successful, one must have the ability to prevent others from walking over you. Being young and easily influenced, I took this to heart and integrated this thought process in my way of life.

With this ingrained in me and solidified by my successes, I've attempted to maintain a high level of honesty and truthfulness within my life. Understanding that I have the ability to be straight to the point, blunt and completely honest this quality has been a valued asset. Through out my "professional" career, the need for strong integrity within my being assisted in the success and acceleration within my path by staying truthful. This leads me to the concept of the phrase "black and white." Can one maintain truthfulness by stepping in the gray area? For me, the definition of "gray" can be associated with "sugar coating." Does sugar coating the true, take from Satya? Do you lose integrity by not being completely honest and sugar coating the truth to spare feelings?

Now, living as a Yogi I understand more of Satya; that with love, compassion and respect in the heart leading ones intention of truth, Satya can be maintained.

Dreams, Reality and Death...

This afternoon I went and saw Inception with Mr. DiCaprio. It's been an extremely long time since a movie has tickled my mind like this one. Since walking out of the theater my mind has been going a mile a minute. Assimilating the possibilities. Without giving away details of the movie, for those that might want to see it...I've come to three major categories that bubbled to the surface for me after watching it. Dreams, Reality and Death. The movie invoked a lot of thought as you will see in the follow text and it's gonna drive me nuts until I spell it all out.

Dreams; I've heard many say that dreams are reflections of our subconscious mind. That dreams are unanswered questions within ourselves and lives. That if we look close enough we can learn life lessons from the pictures our dreams paint on the canvas of our minds. I say "yes." I've spent many a mornings/afternoons/night trying to figure out what dreams I've had could mean and how they could relate to my life. So, here's my questions, what kind of dreamer are you? I'm a very vivid dreamer...the majority of the time I would describe the dreams that I have are like Stephen King novels. Very lifelike, very strange, very creepy at times. Do you dream in color? I have very colorful dreams. Often times, one particular color will stand out above all. For instance, I was dreaming the other night that I was at the dentist having a tooth extracted; I was actually in the process of waking up from a dream as the dentist was pulling a tooth and if that wasn't creepy enough the blood coming from the open socket from where the tooth once rested was a deep deep red color. Do you remember your dreams? I heard it said that if you repeat the words, "I will remember my dreams" right before you go to bed then, like magic you will. When I was originally told that, maybe back in high school I was wowed by the concept behind it. Now, I see that one is simply implanting a suggestion into the subconscious. It's still pretty cool. Typically I remember all my dreams...the ones that throw me for a loop it can keep my mind going for days. How many layers of dream states do you think we could possibly reach? I found it pretty interesting that within the dream I described above at the dentist office, I was dreaming that I was dreaming as I was waking up and then woke up. I KNOW crazy right?! This was before I even saw this movie.

Reality, oh how I love this topic. One could get lost for days on this subject so I'll keep it light. I think one of the key components to our reality it the concept of time. Time, with the ability to track each and every second/millisecond does may in fact keep us sane. One night I started meditating on the question and concept of time. Oh boy did that take me on a wild ride...try it sometime. I ask so many questions and attempted to follow the answer to where it led me. Where does time begin? Where does time end? and the big doozy of'em all, What would it be like if there was not time?

Death, the thought process for me that was sparked by this movie this afternoon was this, within curtain concept of dreams we die then we simply wake up. Wake up to a new time and space from one dream to another. Being that I've witness the process of death as my father and grandfather passed away in 2006, I've thought about this one quite a bit. Defendantly a lot more after they both went. Within several cultures, religions, beliefs...I find that there is some idea of the above to be true. Is there the possibility of transitioning from one plane/reality to the next?Reincarnation, purgatory, heaven, hell, multi-dimensionally, paradise, there is no way of knowing tell we get there. (And once we are, will we remember this one?) As the transition of both father and grandfather was extremely hard for me, you will be hearing more on the subject in further blogs. But I think that with death there is a transition, transition of the individual and transition of the collective. For if there was not death, there would be no life. Understanding death, we understand how to honor and enjoy life.

See...see! I recommend this movie. Acting and visuals were great too.

Namaste

In the Beginning...

This is the official start of my blog. Wow...this is crazy. I've been going back and forth on this for days, weeks, months even with this process. Generally I'm a very private person, however the more and more I tune in as a healer, I find more comfort sharing myself, life and experiences.

I was inspired this last Martin Luther King, Jr day while watching the "I Have A Dream" speech. (Which I watch every year) While watching the speech I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of freedom. True freedom. In my mind, I'm blown way with this feeling. Being of mix races, white and black there's been plenty of situations that have lead to many positive and negative circumstance. But, with this Freedom knowledge/understanding that I have a real platform to be a true healer. Freedom to open heart in order to share my life, experiences, accomplishment and faith world.

Having spent 15 or so years within a "professional" career I constantly struggled with balancing a spiritual understanding and career orientated mindset. While this struggle was taking place, there was never a feeling of empowerment to be or have a voice. Now, in my 34th year I'm here.

Over a year ago I remember sitting in an office with the thought, "I've been doing this career for 15 years, since high school...what else do I know to do?" At that point I set an intention for myself to make a positive difference in the world. To create a life that will utilize my energies to heal rather then to help a company or organization strive for a financial profit. With help via divine source I found Yoga. With it's philosophies, physical practices, traditions yoga has expanded the light within me ten fold. This platform to help others heal utilizing my voice, energies and being. Sat Nam

I share an excerpt of the speech...gets me every time:

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" - Martin Luther King, Jr.


So here you go, this is me...